I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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