I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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