I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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