Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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