I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
