i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
