Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
