i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It was confusing and full of hummus
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
God, I missed his penis.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
