Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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