i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
