he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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