you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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