That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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