We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
