Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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