There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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