the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize