All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
