Apparently you make a good broom.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
