Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
