One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
3pm strippers are depressing
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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