Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
