He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
