i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
