I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
