either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
