I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
