she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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