I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
