I wish they made helmets for livers.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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