So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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