I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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