Jerry, you need to find god
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize