i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
