did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
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