It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
