My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
