She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
