I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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