The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
