i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
