Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
