I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize