her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wish I only lived at night.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
