So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Randomize
