I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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