I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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