she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
