I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
