saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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