I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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