The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
