You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
