forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize