I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
