i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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