She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
