I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
