I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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