Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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