I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
