My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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