the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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