hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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