true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
