my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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